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Blubber Bar
“It tastes better than a Crunchie Bar but it looks like a dog’s turd”. That was the public’s reaction to Blubber Bars when we organised a special street tasting session.
“Blubber Bars” are prepared from a recipe that is so seeped in the mists of history and ancient folklore that the ingredient measurements are given in ounces. Maybe you are thinking that we couldn’t be arsed to convert the measurements to grammes but that ain’t the case. Metrification shall never touch: the lengths of cricket pitches, or the pints of British beer, or the pound in your pocket, or the specifications for ersatz candy dog turds.
Hurrah for John Bull!

INGREDIENTS & STUFF YOU NEED

  • 6oz sugar
  • 3 tablespoons of golden syrup
  • 2oz of margarine
  • 2 teaspoons of sodium bicarbonate (from the baking section of supermarkets)
    This stuff may also be called “bicarbonate of soda” - it’s the same thing.
  • cooking chocolate (also from the baking section of supermarkets)
  • tin foil
  • a tray with a slightly raised edge.
Put the 6oz of sugar, 3 tablespoons of golden syrup and 2oz of margarine, into a small saucepan and heat over a low heat while STIRRING CONSTANTLY with a wooden spoon. After a while it will start to bubble. At this point, lower the heat and allow it to bubble for 5 minutes over a very low heat.
While you’re waiting, cover your tray with tin foil and smear margarine over the surface so that things that are going to get poured onto this tray will not stick.
When the 5 minutes are up, take the saucepan off the heat and quickly bung in 2 teaspoons of the white sodium bicarbonate powder then quickly stir it like crazy*. Immediately pour the resulting fizzy goo onto the greased tray.
Splodge the goo around the tray until it is a flat mess.

* When you chuck in the sodium bicarbonate, the syrupy stuff suddenly fizzes up. You’ve gotta be quick coz, if you dawdle, it’ll go flat again. So remember kids, the sequence is:

1. unpromising syrupy stuff in pan
2. sodium bicarbonate goes in
3. stir like a mad hippy
4. everything fizzes up
5. you pour fizzy goo onto tray where it spreads out to a puddle about half an inch thick.

You need to do these 5 stages in a total time of about 10 to 15 seconds.

After about 20 minutes, the stuff in the tray will be beginning to set. Now is the time to score it with a knife into bar sized chunks.Two hours later, it should be rock hard and you’ll be able to pick the large
solid thing out of the greased tinfoil and snap it along the grooves where you scored it with a knife.
Now immerse the pieces in molten cooking chocolate. There should be
instructions of the packet that explain how the cooking chocolate should be used but, basically, the usual procedure involves melting this chocolate in a bowl that is sitting in a slightly bigger bowl of very hot water.

When you’ve dipped your chunks, leave the wet chocolately Blubber Bars to dry on a grill rack.

Finally, don’t forget to wrap the finished bars up in a Blubber Bar wrapper!
Design your own or print out our design.

Don’t forget to stick the ends of the wrapper down with sellotape or it’ll unwrap itself and the true horror of the Blubber Bar will be revealed before the eater has a chance to make their own grim discovery.

Strangely enough, BLUBBER BARS are absolutely, utterly, fabulously, indescribably delicious.

                       

© Last Ditch Television MMX