CORNED BEEF HASH
The quantities that we give in this recipe are for
one person. If youre cooking for more, then just multiply
it all up.
- Corned beef, 100 grammes (get a tin or buy it from your supermarket
- Potatoes, 1 medium sized spud
- Onion, half an onion,
- Cooking oil
- cabbage (half a small cabbage per person)
- Tomato ketchup
is a favourite GET STUFFED recipe that costs peanuts, (actually,
by weight, much less than the cost of peanuts).
First, wash yer handies.
Now, parboil the potato or potatoes. Do this by scrubbing clean
the potato and gouging out any nasty bits, or worm holes, or sprouting
buds, or disease, or green bits, or anything that looks a bit weird.
Chop the potato into lumps no bigger than the size of a ping pong
ball and then put them in a pan of cold water. Put the pan on the
hob and do what youve gotta do to bring it to the boil. When
its boiling, turn down the heat until the water is just simmering,
(getting this right is a real pig). Leave the potato to simmer for
about 14 minutes.
After 14 mins the potato will be almost, but not quite, cooked.
Now, drain off the simmering water and roughly cut the steaming
potato up into smallish pieces. Each piece should be about the size
of the smallest toe of a bloke with size 9 feet.
Next, chop up the onion, (take the dry skin off first and chop
it up into quite small slithers). Open the tin and chop up the corned
beef into bits about the size of a front tooth which has become
lost in a pub brawl.
Find a frying pan or, better still, a wok. A wok is totally ideal
for this dish.
Put a dollop of oil into the wok, about as much oil as youd
get for a single shot of whisky, and put it on a high heat until
it just starts smoking. Dont arse around with hot oil cos
it is dangerous and needs to be treated with respect - dont
even answer the phone if it rings. Now turf the chopped potato into
the hot oil and turn it around with one of those kitchen-utensil-thingies
that you flop food around in a hot frying pan with*.
Carry on doing this until bits of the potato are all getting a bit
crispy looking. If the potato starts to stick a bit to the pan then
just add a little more oil. Make sure that you keep gently turning
the potato or it will burn.
As soon as some of the bits of potato are developing a slight crispy
skin, turn the heat right down low and add the chopped
onion and chopped corned beef. Stir it all together and cover with
a lid - if you havent got a lid then just lay a double folded
layer of tin foil over the top of the cooking mixture. You will
have to stir this mixture every three or four minutes, otherwise
it will burn. Basically, it will be cooked when the chopped onion
has lost its firm crisp texture and turned into severely wilted
bits. This will take about 15 minutes and during this time the parboiled
potato bits will finish cooking. Dont worry that the corned
beef is disintegrating, this is supposed to happen and is all a
part of your dinners destiny.
Meanwhile, cook your cabbage. This is easy, just put a big pan
of salted water on a hot ring and get it to boil. Hack the cabbage
into shreds (ideally with the kind of knife that appeared in Hitchcockss
PSYCHO during the shower scene) and, when the water is boiling,
bung in the cabbage. The cabbage** needs to cook
for only 5 minutes - any more and it will be a soggy overcooked
mess. When its done, drain the water and serve. If
the cabbage is done before the corned beef hash, drain it, put it
into some sort of ovenproof dish, cover the dish and leave it in
the oven at 100 degrees Centigrade. It will keep quite happily like
this for 10 minutes. In fact, its a good idea to have your
oven heated to this temperature anyway because you can warm some
plates in this oven ready for your corned beef hash.
When both the corned beef hash and the cabbage are ready, slop
them onto a hot plate. This dish is massive when served with great
dollops of tomato sauce.
* A fish slice. Lah-di-dah.
** Did you know that cabbage is the
only musical vegetable because you can play the chords C and A and
B and G and E on a guitar/piano/whatever. Pants-lousy tune, tho!
© Last Ditch Television MMXIII