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 Life ain’t a bed of roses and there are some very very
unpleasant things that are going to happen to you before you
shuffle off this mortal coil. Stuff like: your first car crash,
some serious dental surgery, visiting France, ODing on something
dangerous, putting small injured animals out of their misery,
and eating a Deep Fried Mars Bar.
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| Just do it quickly, get it out the way and, once it’s done
and over, you will never have to do it again. |
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Don’t do it when you’re pissed coz, when you make
a Fried Mars Bar, you’ll be messing about with hot oil
- which is dangerous. Also, the full saccharine misery of a
Deep Fried Mars Bar can only be appreciated when you’re
stone cold sober. You will thank me when it’s over. |
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INGREDIENTS.
- Oil for frying. Use sunflower oil, coz it’s healthier.
DON’T use olive oil.
- Plain flour.
- Corn flour.
- Bicarbonate of soda
- A couple of standard-sized Mars Bar that have been cooled in
the fridge (not the freezer).
- A slice of bread, (stale or fresh).
- Milk, skimmed seems to be best.
You’ll also need:
- A deep pan for frying.
- A mixing bowl.
- A fork (or, ideally, a hand whisk)
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This recipe involves deep frying with hot oil which can be dangerous
- just like a chip pan. DO NOT MAKE THIS RECIPE IF YOU ARE A CHILD.
Even if you’re not a child, before you proceed, read the safety
info about chip pan fires at ....
http://www.london-fire.gov.uk/fire_safety/in_your_home/chip_pans.asp
Don’t muck about with hot oil if you are pissed, or in a
hurry, or have kids/cats/dogs about, or a load of idiots assing
around in your kitchen, because, if you spill hot oil on yourself,
it will be agonisingly painful and you will be scarred & scared
for life. Alternatively, you might burn down your house. Never leave
a pan of hot oil unattended. Before you start heating anything up,
sort yourself out with a clear safe place where you can plonk your
hot oil pan to cool when you’ve taken it off the heat.
Once you’ve sussed all the safety implications, begin ...
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| In a bowl, for each Mars Bar, put four heaped teaspoons of
plain flour and two heaped teaspoons of corn flour. Add a good
pinch of the bicarbonate of soda. Whisk (with a hand whisk or
fork) while slowly adding enough of the milk to make a batter
- which needs to be about as runny and sticky as thin custard,
(you don’t need much milk). |
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Chop your Mars Bars into mouth-sized bits about 1 to 2cms long.
Pour oil into pan and heat. Don’t fill your pan more than
a third full. Don’t use a low-sided frying pan. (I use a large,
high-sided wok).
As the oil heats, test its temperature by taking a small pinch
of the bread and plopping it into the oil. The oil will be ready
when the pinch of bread sizzles and turns slightly brown in about
10 seconds. Remove each old bit of bread as you try this test. If
the oil starts to smoke, take the pan off the heat because the oil
is about to catch fire, (which happens very suddenly with a big
scary bang followed by huge, three foot high flames leaping from
the pan). |
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When the oil is ready, dip your pieces of Mars Bar into
the batter and let the excess batter drip off, then, carefully
lower the pieces of Mars Bar into the oil. Put them in one
at a time.
The batter will fry and turn light brown. You will probably
need to turn the Mars Bar bits over to fry their other sides.
They are ready when they are evenly browned which should take
about a minute. |
When the oil is ready, dip your pieces of Mars Bar into the batter
and let the excess batter drip off, then, carefully lower the pieces
of Mars Bar into the oil. Put them in one at a time.
The batter will fry and turn light brown. You will probably need
to turn the Mars Bar bits over to fry their other sides. They are
ready when they are evenly browned which should take about a minute.
When cooked, take the fried Mars Bar bits out of the pan and put
the pan containing the hot oil in a safe place to cool down. Eat
the fried Mars Bar immediately. |
| Fried Mars Bars are so darn unhealthy that they’ll
probably kill you quicker than fags (especially if you’re
a twenty-a-day man). I’m still belching Marsey burps
from the one that I ate two hours ago and I only ate one.
God knows what’ll start happening when it reaches the
other end of my digestive tract. |
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